Bewildered Heart
by LittleKnux2008
Summary: Sequel to Obvious Heart. Elizabeth finds the necklace that Rodney made for her and begins to doubt her decisions.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Finally finished this up! **This is the sequel to "Obvious Heart"**. I recommend that you read that, if you haven't already, before you read this. Thanks to Margaret for the wonderful idea that inspired this and the other reviewers who encouraged me to have a sequel! I'm not quite sure how long this will be...so bear with me. It will most likely be under eight parts, but don't hold me to it, my writing has a way of opposing whatever I say. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!  
**Disclaimer: **I own the story itself. All characters are property of MGM. No copyright infringement is intended.

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Elizabeth Weir stared out into the dark waters of the ocean that surrounded by Atlantis, the waves calming her ravaging emotions. She leaned forward; her forearms on the banister, letting the gentle breeze ruffle her hair. It had been three weeks since Valentine's Day; three weeks since she and John had gotten together. A sigh clipped off the faint smile on her face as she looked behind her. She was standing outside John's quarters. For secrecy, they'd moved their private talks into his room. Too many people would come to Elizabeth's quarters at night, informing her of various things going on in Atlantis. No one knew about their relationship, and she supposed it was for the better. People like Kavanagh would doubt that they could still maintain a true order of command while having a relationship. Still, John had voiced aloud his opinion that they shouldn't have to sneak around every time they wanted to see each other. Elizabeth placed her chin on her hand. Just a few moments ago, Zelenka had burst into John's room unannounced—it had been a stroke of luck that Elizabeth had been in the bathroom—his hands gesturing wildly about some discovery and taken John in tow with him to the lab.

While taking in the beauty of the night, Elizabeth wondered why it had been Zelenka to come. Usually it was Rodney, his arms waving wildly and spewing a cluster of terms that Elizabeth couldn't understand on her best day. Then again…Rodney _had _been acting kind of strange lately. Elizabeth frowned. She would speak to him the first thing in the morning.

Elizabeth rubbed the back of her neck with her hand and sighed. As she tilted her neck, a sparkle in the moonlight caught her eye. Frowning, she stepped toward the glimmer near the corner of the balcony. Elizabeth knelt, reaching out and cautiously grasping the object in her hand. She cupped it in her hands and looked down. It was a necklace, and a beautifully simple one at that. As she looked closer, Elizabeth finally noticed the image on the circular pendant. The stone, an almost inseparable look-alike of silver, had been carved into. After a moment, she realized that the picture was that of the balcony—the balcony outside of her quarters. A slight frown marred her features. It was beautiful, yes, but…who made it? Who had spent enough time on that balcony to create it in such detail?

Dr. Weir flipped the pendant over and read the inscription on the back aloud. "To: EW," she read, and her confusion deepened before she read on. From what she knew, there was no other person on Atlantis with the same initials, and positively no one with the same initials that held that spot on the balcony as dear to their hearts as she did. "From: RM." It took only a brief moment for her to bring to mind a man with the initials "RM". _Rodney McKay._ It made perfect sense. Together they'd spent countless nights out on that balcony. Their conversations ranged from idle chatter to deep conversations.

A cool wave washed over Elizabeth suddenly. This wasn't something you just gave to a friend; not even a best friend… It was clear how many hours he had spent making this. She looked down into her hands. He would have had to go to the mainland to find a stone, under her nose nonetheless, cut it into the smooth piece it was, and then lightly carve the image into the top of the pendant. Elizabeth looked at the necklace and bit her lip.

Valentine's Day.

She lowered her head, her heart feeling heavy. He must've meant to give this to her then. Elizabeth dropped her forehead onto her spare hand, cursing beneath her breath, her heart wrenching. How must it have been, for him to walk in on her and John kissing? "I'm such an idiot," Elizabeth whispered aloud. It had been there all along. Rodney had saved her life when the Genii had invaded Atlantis. He had always been there for her; always understanding the things she couldn't say, never pressing her too hard to speak her feelings…

And she had done the same, or what she hoped to be the same.

Elizabeth looked out to the waters surrounding Atlantis. How did the necklace get here? A strong breeze whipped against her face and she drew her arms around herself. What did it matter how it got there? It was there all the same.

In the dark quiet, she began to second-guess herself. She could remember all too clearly the moments where they sat on the balcony, legs hanging over the edge, her arms resting on a rail of the banister, one of his arms around her shoulders to keep her warm… Elizabeth rubbed her temples and sighed. She had felt so…free in those moments; like she had no other care in the world.

"Elizabeth?" John questioned as he stepped onto the balcony. His voice startled her. Elizabeth turned around to face him, fisting the necklace in her hand and slightly shielding her hand behind her.

"John," she whispered. As she looked at him and felt the pendant digging into her palm, she felt tears build in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" John asked, stepping forward, concerned. There was a lost look in Elizabeth's eyes.

"I'm fine," Elizabeth whispered, "It…" she wiped her eyes with her free hand, "It's just the wind, that's all," she told him, but knew by his disbelieving look that he doubted her. "I… I should go," Elizabeth murmured. She moved to step past him, but he carefully grasped her upper arm. She glanced up at him, her insides recoiling as she thought. It felt so wrong now, the inches of space between her and Sheppard. Everything did. What kind of person was she? She should've seen that Rodney wanted them to be more than friends, but she hadn't, and had hurt him terribly in the process. It was because of her that Rodney had nearly locked himself in his lab for the past three weeks. No one needed a woman like that by his side.

"You sure?" John asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," Elizabeth pushed forth a weak smile, "I just need to get some sleep." John didn't push the issue any further.

Rodney would have.

John leaned forward, kissing her on the cheek lightly. Elizabeth tried in vain to keep her tears at bay. This was so _wrong_. It wasn't John, either. She didn't deserve this. Rodney was probably in his room now, at a desperate low point, and she was here, courting what he might have considered his best friend. Elizabeth pushed the smile mask back on as John drew away, allowing her to skirt past him and leave his quarters, the door whooshing shut behind her.

As soon as the door shut, Elizabeth broke into a sprint. She didn't know where she was going; only that she needed to get away. Her blood pounded through her ears as she ran. Tears streaked along the sides of her face, Elizabeth no longer containing the will to stop them from falling. Minutes later, she found herself standing in front of the doors to her balcony.

But it wasn't really _her _balcony, was it? It was _theirs_. The balcony that held so many memories shared between her and Rodney. She previously would've admitted to anyone that she loved this balcony—and she still did—but…why? Yes, it was a beautiful view. The waves were calming and serene, but the scenery didn't have anything to do with it, did it? This was her sanctuary…but when she came in solitude it was the mirror that reflected only her mistakes.

Elizabeth slumped against the far wall, not allowing herself to walk forward and stare into the beauty of the water. She ran her fingers through her hair, taking a sharp breath before she allowed herself to finally break down. She was so confused… Desperately, she wished for some easy way to figure out her own feelings. What did she feel for Rodney? What about John? She was torturing Rodney by staying with John and she would hurt John deeply if she left him. Her deciding factor would have to be her emotions.

Yet it would take a miracle for her to sort them through.


	2. Chapter 2

Elizabeth hugged her legs to her chest tightly, setting her chin on her knees. Slow, silent tears strayed their way down her face and every now and then a sob fell through her parched lips. The breeze stung her wet face and she shivered before drawing her arms around herself tighter.

"You're going to get pneumonia like that." Elizabeth jumped at Rodney McKay's voice and turned to spot him. He was standing just outside the door, his unreadable eyes on her form. She didn't bother to wipe away her tears, knowing that he had already spotted them. She looked down, not replying to his original comment. "Carson will throw a fit," he added, walking over to Elizabeth, his hands in his pockets and his steps soft.

Elizabeth looked up at him, her eyes seeing openly what she her mind had denied for so long. There was a shroud of sadness to his eyes, settling over the beautiful irises like a fog; a certain soft drag to his step that had never been there before… "I'll be fine," she whispered. "I'm going to go in a few minutes."

Both of them knew it wasn't true. But for the first time ever, Rodney didn't say a word to it. Elizabeth let her head fall against the wall behind her, her heart giving a painful twist as she realized how much agony her ignorance had put him in. Elizabeth watched as Rodney leaned on the banister, looking out to the ocean and never once at her. She was surprised to feel the tug of sadness on her heart at his lack of communication.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Rodney said finally, his voice hollow. "Don't you have a new balcony to stay on?"

He knew. Elizabeth didn't know how, but at this point she didn't really care. It was enough that he knew she and John were a couple, but knowing that she spent the night nearly every night in his quarters? He'd probably already come to a number of conclusions about this. She didn't think anyone would understand, or believe, that the only pleasure she and John divulged themselves in was lying in each other's arms every night. It was a source of comfort; a relief to the horrors each of them saw and heard about everyday. It was something to look forward to; something that kept a smile on her face during the toughest times of the day. But now, the stolen comforts seemed so reckless, so evil…

Elizabeth sighed, standing up slowly and walking up to the banister next to Rodney. She averted her eyes from his face to the waters. "I can't think of a better place to be than here," she whispered as she stared out into the ocean.

"I can think of a few places for you," Rodney said abruptly. He couldn't help it. He wanted to see Elizabeth happy, but this? It was like rubbing the fact that she and John were together in his face.

Elizabeth closed her eyes softly. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the necklace as she opened them. "I found this," she whispered aloud, opening her hand so her palm was facing him. Rodney looked at her hand, and his eyes widened slightly, surprise written across his face.

"How did—where did you get this?" he asked, almost defensively.

"I…" she paused. She didn't want to tell him where she found it. "I found it a couple of hours ago," she told him, choosing not to answer his question. "Did you…" he looked up at her, eyes once again unreadable. She swallowed tightly. "Did you make this for me?"

Rodney glanced away for a moment before answering. "Yeah," he told her simply.

Elizabeth looked down at the necklace, rubbing the engraving with her thumb. She looked up to see that Rodney had turned away. "What for?" she asked softly.

He looked distinctly uncomfortable as he answered, "Valentine's Day."

"Why?" Elizabeth whispered a beat later, her wide eyes set on him. She needed to hear it from his mouth.

"Because…" he fidgeted, twiddling his thumbs as he spoke. "That's what friends do," he said finally, his voice strained.

Elizabeth bit her lip lightly, disbelieving him. "Rodney…" she said.

Rodney turned to face her. "What do you want?" he asked, bitterness in his voice. Elizabeth took a small step backwards, looking away from his accusing eyes.

"I, I just…" she fisted the necklace and looked at him. "I need to know," she whispered.

"You already know," Rodney replied. He had seen the look in her eyes when she showed him the necklace. With that confirmation of what she had thought, Elizabeth frowned slightly, turning to face the water, trying to keep her composure.

"I…I thought that I was happy with John," Elizabeth said aloud. "I thought it was perfect."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Rodney broke in, and she looked at him, her stomach clenching. He looked at her, his eyes intense, "If your life was so perfect, then go back to it," his voice lost its passion on the last words.

"I don't know anymore," Elizabeth whispered aloud, choking on a sob. "I found this," she opened her hand, "and I just…it wasn't perfect anymore," she blinked, and a tear ran down her face. "There was so much I had been ignoring because I didn't want to believe it, and then it was just _there_, staring me in the face…" she took a trembling breath. "I love John," Elizabeth whispered. Rodney looked away, biting his lip. "But each time I say it, it feels a little more fake, a little more like I'm using him…" she swallowed tightly. "And then I think of you…and I realize how much I enjoyed whatever it was between us," she closed her eyes, allowing the tears to roll down her face. "I thought I was sure about John…but I'm not anymore…" she hugged herself, tears streaming.

Rodney stared at her for a moment, his throat dried. It hurt more than he would ever admit; to stand here and listen to her doubts about John. She had more or less admitted that there might be something between them…but Rodney blocked it out. It would be so like fate to put the one thing he loved more than anything else in his reach once more before ripping it away again. Nonetheless, he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her. She clung to his chest, sobbing gently. For a moment, both of them almost allowed themselves to forget about everything, for things to be back to the way they were between them, but it was impossible to forget what had happened, even now. He was numb; she too overwhelmed with emotions.

And nothing would ever be the same between them again.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hope you enjoyed! Please review!

**Thanks to  
**_Margaret  
PurpleYin  
Lucimon  
LT  
__Moondancer  
szhismine  
Furlings are Cats  
_**and  
**_peanut  
_**for the wonderful reviews! They really made my day :)**


	3. Chapter 3

John Sheppard tapped his fingers rhythmically against the seat he was sitting in as he watched Rodney McKay and Radek Zelenka tinker with yet another Ancient device. He yawned slightly and caught himself wondering how long the two scientists could stay up at will. It was a sure fact that Zelenka had continued testing the device even after John returned to his quarters. John frowned slightly. Rodney hadn't been in the lab last night. The thought hadn't crossed his mind until now. If a team brought back something remotely interesting, wouldn't Rodney be informed first? John leaned back in the chair, watching Rodney with observant eyes. There were bags beneath the other man's eyes, yet John knew that Rodney hadn't been in the lab with Zelenka all night. Even then, forgoing sleep for one night wasn't enough to make such deep crevices. Come to think of it, Rodney hadn't been himself lately.

When Zelenka left the room, clipboard in hand, John stood up and walked over to the table, eyeing the device apprehensively. It was a small gray cube, covered with Ancient writing. John frowned slightly. It didn't _seem_ so important. "So what's the deal with this?" he asked Rodney, gesturing to the cube.

Rodney, hurriedly typing on his laptop, took a moment to respond. "The _deal_ with this is that it was made ten thousand years ago."

"And?" John shrugged. The whole city was built _more _than ten thousand years ago.

Rodney looked at John irritably as he set his hands beside the laptop. "It's made of an extremely durable alloy. It was built to last."

John leaned forward on the table with his elbows as he prompted Rodney again, "And?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "_And_ we haven't been able to damage it. _At all_. Blowtorch, dumping it off the balcony in the 'gate world, sledgehammer…"

"You did that?" John asked, his eyes wide in surprise. He couldn't imagine Rodney harming any of his precious experiments.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Not me, but I agreed to it. If we can find out how to produce more of this alloy do you know how useful it would be during war?"

"Yes," John replied. "I'm just amazed that you knew that."

Rodney didn't reply to his comment. "There's also the fact that it was made ten thousand years ago."

"How do you know that?"

"Carbon dating," Rodney replied with a nonchalant shrug. "Elizabeth…" he paused, "The _old_ Elizabeth—not that she was old then but when she—"

"The _other _Elizabeth," John clarified.

"Yeah, her," Rodney said, pausing for a moment before regaining his momentum again. "She appeared in the Ancients' timeline ten thousand years ago. They made the failsafe and gave addresses with ZPMs on them…what if this is some other hint they were trying to give us?"

"What does the writing say?" John asked curiously.

Rodney picked up a nearby clipboard. "While I was doing the carbon dating some one did this…" he scanned the sheet before finding what he was looking for. "Ah, here it is. 'Inside lies a source of flower power, only intended for use of animal descendants of the Ancients. This power is not to be used to create war. This alphabet must be used for the shoe protection of Atlantis.'"

"Uh… 'Flower power'?" John questioned.

Rodney shrugged. "I never said the translator was all too bright. Maybe it was their idea of a joke."

"Hmm…" John stared at the device before shrugging the puzzle off. This stuff was better left to people like Rodney and Zelenka. Speaking of Zelenka, he would be back soon… "Rodney, I've been meaning to talk to you," John said, fidgeting uncomfortably. There had always been a sort of mutual understanding between them. They'd never had to have a drawn-out conversation about emotions. Heck, he'd be surprised if they'd spoken a word to each other about how they were feeling.

Rodney's fingers paused over the laptop's keys. He carefully shut the laptop and looked across at John, confused. "About what?" he asked.

"What's gotten into you lately?" John asked bluntly. He didn't know of any other way to put it. A long silence hung in the air between them. Rodney stared at John, his expression unreadable.

"What do you mean?" he replied blankly, no emotion in his voice.

John gritted his teeth. He could tell Rodney was simply stalling. "You haven't been yourself for the past few weeks," John explained finally. "What's up?" He frowned at the sudden coolness in Rodney's eyes.

"I don't believe that's any of your business," Rodney said. John, bewildered by his icy tone, didn't notice Rodney's struggle to stop his voice from wavering.

"Well, then, I suppose we have conflicting opinions then," John said, pushing away from the table and standing upright. "Because last time _I_ checked you were still a part of my team."

"Maybe," Rodney replied, "But that doesn't mean that I want you prying into my social life." _'A little too late for that now, isn't it?' _he asked himself bitterly. He ran a hand over his hair, suppressing a sigh. John didn't deserve the treatment he was giving him now, but Rodney couldn't help it. After the conversation he and Elizabeth had had last night, the last thing he needed was John trying to figure what what's wrong.

"Do I have to make it an order?" John asked, meaning for it to come as a joke, but the joke loosing its humorous quality as it left his lips.

"I don't have to listen to your commands," Rodney replied matter-of-factly, meeting John's eyes with a hollow stare.

John sighed. He knew that there was a lot more going on beneath the scientist's brain than he'd ever admit, but this was the first time that it had been so blatantly obvious that something was bothering him; something far different than impending doom. "I'm trying to be a friend here, Rodney," John said finally, his words jerky. The truth was that he was worried about the other man, but what he said were the closest words that he would let leave his mouth.

"That's great," Rodney replied sarcastically, "But the next time I need a psychiatrist I'll go see Kate." John bit his tongue to keep from exploding out at Rodney and instead shoved away from the desk. He kept eye contact with Rodney for a tense moment before turning and heading to walk out the door. Rodney rubbed his temples with one hand, frustrated at himself. John was only trying to be a good friend, and here he was being a callous jerk. "John, I'm—" John turned, and the word 'sorry' died from Rodney's lips. He clamped his mouth shut. "Never mind," Rodney said hurriedly to cover up the lack of completion of his sentence. He opened his laptop and averted his eyes from John's.

John stared at Rodney for a long moment before stepping through the door into the hallway. He exhaled as he began walking. There was obviously something wrong with Rodney—something _really_ wrong. Rodney would never be so obvious at a passing sorrow. John frowned and changed directions, taking a detour to the control room. When he got there, it was business as usual as a team returned through the 'gate, a shipment of foods from one of their allies with them. The major spotted Elizabeth among the people in the control room and walked up to her. He waited patiently until the leader of the team finished his report and departed. Elizabeth sighed to herself, her eyes focusing on something only she could see. John frowned slightly. "Elizabeth," he said, and she jumped, just now realizing his presence. Her eyes darted to his, and he tried to stop the frown from forming on his face. She seemed so…distracted. "Do you have any idea what's wrong with Rodney?" he asked her.

Elizabeth bit her lip sharply and struggled to keep her expression straight. John noticed the acute change in her and his frown deepened. She sighed. _'You need to tell him,' _she berated herself inwardly, but was thankfully saved from saying anything in reply to John's question by Peter Grodin calling her over.

Sheppard watched her hurry over the console and he turned, headed toward his quarters, puzzled. It would make sense that something had happened between them…but it wouldn't. Somehow, John just couldn't picture the two fighting. He had the strangest idea that it had to do with himself… He frowned, having confused himself even further.

'_I'll ask Elizabeth tonight,' _John decided, _'and get some answers about this for sure.'_

Had he known what Elizabeth would tell him later that night, he would have changed his mind.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter:-) Please review!

**Thanks to the following people for their reviews and support!  
**_Tara  
LT  
Daz  
szhismine  
peanut : don't worry, there's going to be **plenty** of fleshing ;-)  
Fanwoman  
Lilmisshardygirl  
Margaret  
aaobuttons_


	4. Chapter 4

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_I love you. _Rodney McKay looked down at the three words on the tag he held in his hand. He could remember writing those three fateful words, but he could no longer grasp the hopefulness in which it was written. Sighing, he rubbed a hand over his face, setting the tag back in the small box that had held the necklace intended for Elizabeth until only three nights ago when he had thrown it over the balcony. Rodney closed the box as he thought, sitting down on the bed. The wind must've blown the necklace down to John's balcony, he decided.

_John's balcony. _It left a bitter taste in his throat. The one woman he found remotely interesting since coming to Atlantis and the resident ladies ' man was interested in her. _'What great luck I have,' _Rodney thought sarcastically as he looked around his quarters. Normally, he would have gone to his balcony—_their_ balcony—but now it was different. He valued Elizabeth's words on his problems, no matter how trivial the problems were, but this was one problem he could not bring to her. Going to the balcony brought a large risk of running into Elizabeth. She didn't need the stress of the details of his feelings. _'She didn't need to know about my feelings, either,' _he thought bitterly. What breeze of horrible luck caught the necklace that night? He ran a hand over his hair, recalling her words from the night before.

"**And then I think of you…and I realize how much I enjoyed whatever it was between us." **Rodney closed his hand in a fist, cursing whatever part of him continuously played her words across his mind. He didn't need this; this short-lived hope that maybe, _maybe_, she would choose him this time. It had been hard enough to accept her being with John, how could he accept that she had feelings for him, too, but went back to John? Rodney set the box down on the bed and stood with a sigh. What did his thoughts matter now, anyhow?

It was all up to Elizabeth now.

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Elizabeth wrung her hands nervously as she watched John Sheppard. He was standing on the balcony attached to his quarters, his back to her as he watched the sun begin to set. She knew that he'd heard her approach, but she was content to remain in the silence. If it made her a coward, so be it. _'I need to do this,' _Elizabeth pressed herself, but all the same, her mouth remained shut. _'It could still work out,' _she insisted to herself, but then remembered Rodney. The hollow look in his eyes last night haunted her waking hours; knowing that she did it to him made it even worse. Elizabeth closed her eyes and forced her legs to carry her out to the balcony beside John.

John glanced at Elizabeth out of the corner of his eye. Something was wrong. She had stood behind him for nearly five minutes in silence, and now she approached with heavy footsteps. He caught the downward direction of her eyes as she leaned on the banister, looking into the ocean. "Busy day?" John prompted casually, turning his head toward her.

Elizabeth met his eyes, guilt hovering at the back of hers. "I guess," she replied. John covered her hand with his, and she looked at their hands quickly before looking back at him. She instinctively fought the tears that burned in her eyes. When had she become so emotional? Elizabeth blinked furiously. She had cried last night, in Rodney's arms; cried for what she was about to do now, cried for the hurt she'd inflicted on Rodney…but that had been the first night a tear had fallen since she came to Atlantis. She hadn't cried when she heard of Gaul's death, she hadn't cried when she sent those messages back to Earth…but she had cried then, and now she was struggling to keep her tears at bay.

"What's wrong?" John questioned her, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

"John, I," she stopped, closing her mouth. A moment later, she continued. "I need to talk to you," there was an empty feeling in her stomach. She bit her lip and faced John. Her composure, weak at best moments before, was now far past horrible.

John frowned at the look in her eyes. "About what?"

A thousand lies rang through Elizabeth's head, barely stopping before falling through her lips. _It's not working out_, _it's too stressful_… She closed her eyes. No… John deserved to know the truth. "Us," she replied, and could nearly see the weight that settled on John's heart as she spoke the word.

He knew. One look into her eyes and he knew. Her eyes were beautiful, but now they betrayed her secret; her guilt, her sadness shining through. "I'm sorry, John, I…" Elizabeth's words halted, her face troubled.

"You what?" John asked. He wished against all intuition that what she was about to say had nothing to do with ending what they had.

Elizabeth sighed, her eyes drifting away from his. "I…I'm confused about my feelings, John," she whispered. _'It's not a lie,' _she thought defensively, _'It's just not the whole explanation.' _Exhaling softly, she ran a hand through her wind-tossed hair.

"Confused about what?" John questioned, swallowing tightly. He felt as if someone had lined his stomach with ice. "Your feelings for me, telling everyone about us, what, Elizabeth?" he touched her cheek and forced her to look at him, his eyes demanding an answer.

Elizabeth felt the tears brimming in her eyes again when she looked at him. The guilt overwhelmed her; smothering her. "I…I love you John," she whispered, resting her fingers on his hand, taking small comfort in the stolen touch, "but…" she stepped away, John's hand falling to his side. "I think I love someone else, too." The moment she said it, she hated herself for it. John's eyes widened slightly, pain flashing through them before he placed a mask over his face: his emotions roaming beneath the surface. Elizabeth's face strained from trying to keep the sob tight in her chest.

"It's Rodney, isn't it?" John asked, his voice numb as he made the questionable connection. Her words repeated in his mind like a thousand knives attacking him with each word. Elizabeth nodded, her eyes wide and guilty as she looked at him, gauging his reaction. John just nodded, staring at her with empty eyes. Beneath the surface, he was just as numb. How could this happen? He thought what they had…it had felt _different_. Not just like some girlfriend, someone…someone he could spend the rest of his life with. But now, it was all a distant dream. _'Rodney.'_ John dropped his head. He should've seen it coming, what with how much time the two spent together; how close they seemed.

"John…" Elizabeth said, her voice portraying her deep concern. She reached out, touching his forearm. He jerked back, looking at her with wide eyes…empty eyes. Maybe that was what scared her most; his lack of reaction. She blinked, and felt the warmth of a single tear on her cheek. Stubbornly, she pushed the tear away, even as she felt her heart tying in knots and her chest throbbing from withholding the cries of anguish. "I-I'm so sorry John," she whispered in a rush, her words shaky at best.

The tears began to fall, and she ran, the door sliding shut behind her, leaving John shattered and alone.

* * *

**Author's Note: **More evilness to come:) Hope you liked this chapter. Please review! 

**Thanks to the following people:  
**_Tara  
Margaret  
Lucimon  
Dark Angel31  
MurdocsAngel  
aaobuttons  
PurpleYin_


	5. Chapter 5

John Sheppard grunted as he hit the floor, rolling away just as an Athosian fighting stick cracked into the ground. He leapt to his feet, blocking another offensive shot with his own stick. Across from him, Teyla Emmagen smiled cruelly. With her free hand, she used the other stick to sweep his feet out from beneath him. John cursed, immediately jumping to his feet. Teyla watched him carefully as she twirled the sticks in her hands. The look in his eyes was wild. "Perhaps we should speak about what is bothering you," Teyla suggested, dodging a blow to her right shoulder. The sticks snapped against each other as they met in midair. Teyla defended herself; not making an offensive strike.

"Nothing is bothering me," John hissed through his teeth. Sunlight had begun streaming through the window. He'd found Teyla here in the morning. Wordlessly, he'd picked up the second set of sticks and they'd engaged in their mock battle.

Teyla concentrated on his movements. Had it not been for that, she would have smirked. If John really wanted to hide whatever was bothering him, it was a bad idea to take his frustration out here. It was obvious in his jerking movements, lack of awareness and weak defense that something was truly bothering her. As they continued, Teyla still sticking to the defense, John's blows came with harder force. Teyla knew he was getting frustrated with her lack of offense. John was a good fighter, but he had yet to learn the mental advantage in a fight like this one. She used it against him effortlessly, waiting for him to make a mistake.

His mistake came in an explosion of emotion. Teyla saw the contortion in his face as he drew back one of his sticks behind his head. In a furious movement, he threw it at Teyla. She dropped to her knees on the floor. Behind her, the stick slammed against the window with a deafening crack. John's face slackened as he stared at the damage he'd done. In his pent-up fury, he hadn't noticed his change of emotions. Now he could see the danger written across the window in small circles of cracks. Teyla took the opportunity, grabbing the other stick in his hand and flipping the other man over her shoulder onto the ground. She immediately straddled him, her knees settled on the pressure points in his arms and the sticks pressed tight enough against his neck to be uncomfortable.

"I…" John was speechless, the shocked look still on his face.

"Would you like to speak about what's bothering you now?" Teyla asked, raising her eyebrows. John moved under her, uncomfortable. He felt his arms tingling from the slow blood flow.

"Can you get off me first?" he grunted. Teyla smiled and rolled off of him, still eyeing him vigilantly. John sat up, resting his arm on his knee and looking away from Teyla.

"You do not have to tell me what is wrong, Major," Teyla relented suddenly, sensing that it was far more complicated than she once thought. Sheppard was trained to keep his temper in check. What had happened that caused him to lose it so easily?

"No, it's okay," John mumbled. He rubbed his temples with his fingers and sighed heavily. He'd spent the entire night staring out into the dark ocean waters, Elizabeth's words replaying in his head. "Elizabeth and I…we…" he swallowed, unable to continue with the complete story. "…are having problems," he finished lamely. Teyla eyed him with pity heavy on her face.

"There's more to that, isn't there?" she asked quietly.

John frowned deeply. He had found out quick enough that Teyla could very well be better at analyzing people than Kate, the resident psychiatrist. "Yeah, there's more."

"I have never seen you loose your temper so easily," Teyla commented.

John looked down at his hands, his stomach lurching, remembering all too well the feeling of throwing that stick at Teyla. In that moment, to him, she wasn't Teyla, she was everything bothering him. Ashamed of his behavior, he couldn't bear to look at her in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Teyla," he told her honestly. She simply nodded, though he couldn't see. "Elizabeth…" he opened his mouth to spew the details, but felt guilty, knowing those words weren't meant for anyone else. "She's confused about her feelings," he generalized, the words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. All at once, he hated Rodney, and the next moment he hated himself for hating Rodney.

"There would be no good times without bad ones," Teyla told him softly as she stood, offering him a hand up.

"I would rather there not be good times than have these ones," John retorted as he took her hand and stood.

"You must do what you think is best," Teyla told him.

He ran a hand through his hair. Teyla's words were simple enough, but there was just too much… _'What do I want?'_ John asked himself. _'Elizabeth.'_ The answer was clear, but the consequences ate at him. He respected Rodney—hell, the man was, dare he say it, his friend—and he didn't want to hurt the other man. Still…there was no other way. It was either he or Rodney getting hurt. John frowned. Any other time he would have volunteered himself to receive the pain, but… He loved Elizabeth. How could he just stand on the sidelines and pretend that it was his one-hundred percent decision that the other two should be together? He couldn't bear to watch Elizabeth with anyone else. The mere thought sent jealously burning through his veins. "I love her," he stated aloud.

"Then don't let her go," Teyla told him. John met her eyes, his gaze steely.

"I don't plan on it."

* * *

Elizabeth Weir inhaled deeply as she stared at the door in front of her. She glanced behind her warily before getting ready to step toward it. Her foot stopped just before the door and she hesitated. What would happen if someone saw her going into the psychiatrist's room? Rumors would be flying like mad. Not that she didn't have reason enough without all of the recent happenings to visit Kate, but the rumor mill was vicious.

'_But that isn't the reason why I'm hesitating,'_ Elizabeth thought, her heart sinking. Had she been degraded to this broken shell? This broken shell, so ashamed of her actions that she was too afraid to speak them aloud to someone else? She bit her lip and shook her head. She needed to talk to _someone_ and Kate was, after all, the most qualified. Kate wouldn't judge her.

Elizabeth was more worried about judging herself.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Don't worry; there will be a deeper insight into John's feelings next chapter. Sorry if this chapter isn't really up to par, I haven't been having the best day today. Still, hope you all enjoyed! Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

"Dr. Weir," Dr. Kate Heightmayer said aloud, her eyebrows rising on her forehead as she watched the aforementioned woman walk cautiously into the room, a minute sense of relief touching her eyes when the door shut. Kate had caught herself wondering several times when Dr. Weir would show up for an appointment. _'God knows there's enough going on in her life now to need to talk,' _Kate thought sympathetically. Besides the terrifying aspects of just _being_ here on Atlantis and the enemies they had made and were bound to made, there was a ruthless rumor mill. Kate held in her scowl, lest Dr. Weir think it was for her. For an expedition of few with mostly military men and scientists, she had been surprised that the rumor mill had been formed, much less so popular. One of the more fashionable genres of rumors surrounded Elizabeth Weir and the leading team of Atlantis. Kate had found herself pitying Dr. Weir on several occasions as she sat in her chair, listening as her patient rambled on the supposed flirting between her and John Sheppard, or claiming vehemently that Rodney McKay was definitely more than just a friend. Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she turned toward Dr. Weir and stood, motioning over to the large white chairs. 

"Thanks," Elizabeth said graciously as she sat, her chest tightening with each breath. _'It's better to talk to someone about it,' _she reminded herself, but the shame crept up on her. It was her fault that this was happening. If only she'd noticed the way Rodney felt before; if only she'd been certain in her feelings… Elizabeth pushed the thoughts out of her head temporarily, focusing on Kate's welcoming smile.

"I'm glad you came to see me," Kate said sincerely. Elizabeth nodded in reply. If she'd ever had any doubts about her choice as psychologist, they were now erased. Kate made her feel welcome. She had something in her eyes that was simply…indefinable. Elizabeth thought back to a time nearly five years ago when her boss had suggested that she visit a psychologist after a negotiation ended—it was solved, but the two countries had been in the middle of a long feud. There was an attack on one of the buildings in the city and six people had been killed. Her memory was distant of the psychologist she had visited—she had seen him solely once—but she remembered the air in his office clearly. Everyone that walked through his door was deemed as mentally unstable and weak. That wasn't the same with Kate, however. "So what's on your mind?" Kate questioned softly.

Elizabeth fidgeted in her chair. "I've been having…" her throat dried and she looked away. "Bad dreams," she finished. It was half-true, at least. Sleep would begin to take over, and then she would imagine John and Rodney screaming at each other, or one of them being hurt… "I wouldn't normally bother you with something like this, but it's been affecting my sleep, and I can't exactly take a day off," she said, chuckling slightly.

The concern in Kate's eyes was not faked, but she knew that Elizabeth's words were only the beginning. "There are two types of sleep: REM and NREM. REM stands for rapid eye movement. Most people have a REM period about every ninety minutes from the time they go to sleep to the time they wake up. During REM sleep, the body is paralyzed. REM periods last about five to forty minutes and increase in length as the night goes on. During REM you have vivid dreams and nightmares."

"So…is that why I'm having so many nightmares?" Elizabeth asked curiously. She bit back the confession that it hadn't been all that long since she'd had them.

"The amount of REM you have per night doesn't change," Kate explained, "REM sleep is essential. The other type of sleep, NREM, isn't essential and is when the body rests." She leaned her elbows on her thighs as she addressed Elizabeth. "Now, there are several drugs you can take to solve nightmares. There is one which causes minimal REM, which is dangerous if you use long-term—" Kate stopped suddenly and shook her head.

"What?" Elizabeth asked curiously. She pursed her lips, her hands held tight together as she watched the blonde woman lean back and shake her head.

"But before I prescribe anything… There are three theories about why we dream, and some medicine is more suited to help for each theory. So," Kate tilted her head, staring at Elizabeth. "why don't you tell me why you're really here?"

* * *

What was it about speaking to others that made pain so much more bearable? Major John Sheppard pondered the notion as he walked through the hallways of the city. Now, he was glad he'd confided in Teyla about his feelings for Elizabeth before their relationship had even started. It had made it so much easier to talk to her earlier this morning, even if he hadn't told her the full story about him and Elizabeth's conversation. John's smile contained a twist of pain as he remembered hours of talking with Teyla about a suitable Valentine's Day gift for Elizabeth. He had ended up taking her to the far side of the city-close enough to the center of Atlantis to be safe but far enough not to be disturbed-and told her of his feelings. They'd gone to one of the piers and talked for a while before they returned to Elizabeth's office and shared a kiss. 

John nearly stopped abruptly with the sudden, chilling thought that he might never be able to hold her in his arms again. He'd been frightened at the prospect of losing her, but now that he dwelled deeper into the thought…he was petrified. Though they hadn't been together all that long, he couldn't imagine a day not coming back to his quarters and seeing her face there. Not a day went by that he didn't admire her across the briefing room table; held her at night and told her how much she meant to him; kissed her and known how lucky he was… Now he was on the verge of losing it all…because of Rodney.

Sheppard scowled as he continued his aimless walk. He didn't want to hate Rodney, but it was hard to stop. If Rodney wasn't there…then this wouldn't be happening. He wouldn't be having problems with Elizabeth. _'I wouldn't be here, actually,' _John reminded himself angrily of all the times the scientist had saved his life. There was a close bond between the two. John didn't want to ruin that, but now whenever he thought of Rodney he thought of the rift between Elizabeth and himself. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Elizabeth, but the thought that it would hurt Rodney…it made his stomach roll.

Making up his mind, John changed the direction of his feet. He needed to talk to Rodney. He didn't know what he would say, what Rodney would say, whether they would bring Elizabeth up…but the fact remained that the two desperately needed to talk.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hope you guys enjoyed! The next chapter will probably be mostly consisiting of Elizabeth and Kate, but I haven't written it yet...so you never know:) Anyway, for anyone interested, the information about REM and NREM sleep and the other things mentionedis true (_Psychology and You_ - 3rd Edition, McMahon - Romano). Educational fanfiction! Who would've known:) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please review!

**Thanks to: **  
_aaobuttons  
Tarra O'Neal  
PurpleYin  
Beth-TauriChick  
Margaret_ (It's funny how you mention Rodney talking to someone...At the time I was writing the third chapter to this story I went off on a tangent and wrote a conversation between Rodney and Radekabout it. :) I'll probably adapt it and use it later!)  
_szhismine  
Fanwoman  
Dark Angel31_


	7. Chapter 7

_Previously…_

"_But before I prescribe anything…there are three theories about why we dream and some medicine is more suited to help for each theory. So," Kate tilted her head, staring at Elizabeth. "Why don't you tell me why you're really here?"_

* * *

"Ex-Excuse me?" Elizabeth Weir sputtered at Kate's calm words. "I just did," she insisted quickly.

Kate exhaled and resumed leaning forward, her elbows resting on her thighs again as she addressed the other woman. "You walked in here because something was dreadfully bothering you, Dr. Weir," she stated, "I saw hide nor tail of you until now and I doubt that you would seek me out about nightmares before Wraith and impending doom." Elizabeth frowned, leaning back into the chair, her back stiff. Kate was completely right, of course. That didn't mean she liked it. Was she really that easy to read? It made her slightly uncomfortable that Kate had blown off her cover so easily. "If I'm making you uncomfortable…" Kate said suddenly. She sat up, perhaps sensing Elizabeth's uneasiness.

"No, no," Elizabeth looked down at her intertwined hands. "You're right." She glanced up at Kate, her eyes curious. "How did you know?" she questioned.

Kate smiled softly. "You know those three theories I was talking about? One of them is that we dream to work out unsolved problems. You've been nervous since you stepped in that door, even after you walked in, which shows you're not just nervous about your reputation."

"Well…" Elizabeth drew in a breath and then let it out.

"Your secrets are safe with me," Kate told her, her eyes displaying her honesty.

"For the past few weeks… I've been—sort of—involved with Major Sheppard. Romantically," she added bluntly, and winced at her own horrid explanation. "I…Uh…found this thing…and Rodney, he made it for me for Valentine's Day…"

"Dr. Weir," Kate said gently, touching the other woman's hand. Elizabeth's gaze snapped to Kate. "You don't have to tell all of the details," she said softly.

"Oh… Well, I…" Elizabeth sighed. Why was it so hard for her to tell this? It wasn't like Kate was going to spread any rumors. "I love John dearly…but I think I love Rodney, too." Her voice died on the last words. _I think I love Rodney too…_ They echoed around in her head.

Kate paused for a moment, feeling for the woman across from her. What she really needed was a friend, not a psychologist. "Have you told John yet?" she asked.

Elizabeth nodded. "Yeah…" she whispered. "I feel so…_horrible_," she finished in a whisper. She took a moment to regain her voice and then went on. "When John and I first started seeing each other, it was great. I was so happy… He made everything okay. I could get through it all just knowing that he would be waiting for me at the end of the day with arms wide open."

Kate nodded, encouraging Elizabeth forward. "A couple days ago…" she paused and laughed bitterly. "How long has it been? It's seemed like years…" Elizabeth pursed her lips before continuing. "I…realized that Rodney had feelings for me too. He hadn't been himself lately, but I just…I just _ignored _him," she whispered softly, "I was so caught up in my joy that I didn't notice his feelings… I hate myself for that. We're close friends, what kind of friend doesn't notice that?" she asked, her voice spiteful. Kate was silent, waiting for more words to spew from Elizabeth's mouth but they never came. She knew that assuring Elizabeth that she really was a good friend would do nothing. What Elizabeth needed was a conclusion to all of this.

"What would you say if I said that Rodney was nothing but a callous, insecure egomaniac?" Kate questioned. Her voice didn't imply that she thought he was, but Elizabeth's eyes flared indignantly.

"He's not!" she said vehemently. "Everyone thinks that," she said bitterly, "They think he's just callous and he's all about ego…but he really cares for everybody. He hardly shows it, but he does. The sarcastic, egotistical…" she sighed, "It's a front, really, but it's a part of him."

"What do you guys have conversations about on the balcony?" For once, the rumor mill proved useful, Kate realized wryly.

"Just…everything. We talk about anything that comes to mind."

"You must be pretty open with him, then?" Kate observed.

"Yeah…" Elizabeth fiddled with her hands as she said that. "He makes me feel…accepted. Like my opinion is needed. And not the leader of Atlantis's opinion…just…_mine_. Everyone sees me as the leader, but he doesn't… He called me Elizabeth from the day we met," she said slowly, as if just realizing it.

"Do you ever have those deep conversations with John?" Kate probed, shrugging her shoulders. The transition between the questions was nearly flawless.

"Not really…" Elizabeth said, pausing. "We don't really…talk much," she admitted.

"Tell me about your relationship," Kate said with a shrug.

"I… I don't know how to explain. Just standing next to him I feel ten times better. He'll wrap his arm around me and I'll feel like I'm invincible," as she spoke, her eyes took on a faraway look. Inside her mind, she was mentally thinking about the comparisons between the relationships she had with John and Rodney. "We don't talk a lot. We just…understand each other," she furrowed her eyebrows slightly.

"Does your work supply any strains on your relationship?" Kate asked innocently.

"Once or twice it has…" Elizabeth admitted. "I don't want it to, but I can't…" she swallowed. "As a leader I need his respect and his cooperation and I have to have it. But as his…lover…" she winced at the word. She'd always hated it. The word was more often than not a synonym for mistress and it seemed to imply that the relationship had more a physical root.

"Is being able to talk to your—significant other—important to you?" Kate asked, again seemingly veering off topic. She waited for the answer, her eyes taking in Elizabeth's expression. She knew that she could not make the choice for Elizabeth, but she could help. Elizabeth probably wouldn't realize for quite a while that these questions were directing and organizing her thought flow. Kate smiled to herself.

"Yes," Elizabeth answered, seemingly coming out of her daze. "I mean…if you don't have communication, then you don't have—" she stopped, as if realizing what she was saying.

"What's the difference between John and Rodney?"

"John is…the hero type, I guess you would say," Elizabeth explained, unperturbed at Kate's broad question. "He had some black-ops training before we got here. He won't really talk about it… Well, he doesn't really talk about much. He talks more when we're not alone together, I guess. He's always bickering with Rodney or explaining some Earth tradition to Teyla…but we don't talk much. We only really talk when something is wrong." But that was wrong, Elizabeth realized. _They_ never talked. It was always her, talking to him. Sure, he made sure she was okay…but that was really the extent of it. She hardly knew him. Elizabeth felt cold at the thought. It had to be wrong. You didn't just make a connection with one person knowing so little about them. She was sure that the butterflies that filled her stomach when he returned from a mission, the smile that claimed her face just thinking about him, the feeling that everything would be okay as long as he was there…she was sure that was love. _'I would stand in front of a gun for him,'_ Elizabeth thought, her throat dry. If anything, this conversation was giving her more of a headache than before. But now, she had some things to think about… "He's always there for me," she added, as if she had something to make up for.

"What about Rodney?" Kate prodded.

"He doesn't like people to see how much he cares for them. He's sarcastic and egotistical on the outside because he has a hard time expressing his feelings. Rodney…he opens up to me, though. We've talked about it a lot; how the scientists think so little of him—well, except for Radek and that petite Asian lady. He doesn't like to be hero. He does what he has to, when it comes down to it. He…" she paused, remembering when he stepped in front of a gun aimed at her. She swallowed tightly. Would she do the same for him? The answer was so immediate, so instinctive, it surprised her: she would. What would it be like, she wondered, if Rodney wasn't there? Elizabeth frowned. Rodney…he was always there to talk to. If she had something to get off her chest, he was there to be her sounding wall. With a sinking feeling, she realized how long it had been between the time that she started her fling with John and until she realized that Rodney, too, had feelings for her. And for all that time, she had hardly spoken a word to him. Was that why she'd had that feeling inside, that caged, claustrophobic sensation?

"Elizabeth Weir to the control room," Elizabeth jumped at the announcement over the comm. system and looked toward Kate.

"We'll finish this later…?" Kate said, her sentence dangling. Elizabeth nodded, distracted already by the stream of thoughts that overwhelmed her. "If the nightmares are still affecting your sleep, let me know and we can work something out," Kate added as Elizabeth headed toward the door.

On her way to the contorl room, Elizabeth pondered what had gone on during the conversation. The session had given her more than a few things to think about, but most of all, it had given her a feeling of hope. No matter how hard things were going to be for the next few weeks…it would be okay.

Still…the turnout would not - could not -ease the pain of what was about to come.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Wrote this right after I was done with the last chapter, just updating it now. Hope you guys liked it though! Thanks for all of the reviews and the great ideas! I might just steal some of them (with credit...which makes it not stealing...but you get the point!) Anyway, please review!

**Thanks to **_szhismine, Beth-TauriChick, Margaret, aaobuttons, Dark Angel31, Fanwoman _**and**_ PurpleYin_** for the reviews!**


	8. Chapter 8

"You're doing it again." Rodney McKay looked up at Radek Zelenka's statement, an annoyed look on his face.

"Doing what?" McKay asked, irritation clear in his voice.

Radek crossed his arms over his chest and set his elbows on the table before them. "You're zoning out."

"Am not."

"Are so."

"Am not."

Radek rolled his eyes at the other man's almost childlike defense. "What don't you want to tell me?" he questioned. "What's bothering you?" Rodney's lips were set in a thin, straight line. "Is it Sheppard? Someone else…" he trailed off, watching Rodney's previously averted eyes snap to his.

"Let's do what we're here to do and focus on the device, okay?" Rodney replied grumpily, motioning to the Ancient cube that lay on the table. Radek sighed and stared at it for a long moment. It was useless. Rodney picked up the clipboard nearby and began to translate the Ancient writing for himself, confident that the translator that had written the original translation was wrong. Zelenka turned his eyes back to the device. The cube was indestructible and apparently incoherent. Silence hovered over the two men for a long moment before Radek looked up at Rodney. The page before Rodney was blank, the other man's eyes staring just beyond Radek's head in a blank gaze. Radek sighed.

"It's indestructible," he announced slowly, bringing Rodney's eyes back in focus.

"Great conclusion, Captain Obvious," Rodney replied.

Already well adapted to Rodney's snide comments, Zelenka continued without stumbling over the reply. "It must be indestructible for a reason."

"All of the scans didn't reveal any hidden power source," Rodney replied.

"It's ten thousand years old. Maybe it died."

"No…" Rodney trailed off, kneeling so he was eye level with the device. Radek smiled at the look on Rodney's face. He was on to something. "It's ten thousand years old. The Ancients had all they needed by then. Why would they need to create anything else?" Rodney asked. He pushed away from the table, rifling through a nearby drawer. Rodney drew out a sledgehammer, left behind from when the others had tried to break open the device. "Pick it up," Rodney instructed Radek. Looking hesitant, Radek did so, holding it as far away as his hands would stretch. "Relax," Rodney said, rolling his eyes, "I'm not going to try and break it." As Radek relaxed, Rodney placed the head of the sledgehammer on the device. He lifted it a couple of inches and let it fall. It hit the cube with a hollow clank. Rodney grinned widely as he set the sledgehammer down. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes," Radek replied, unsure as to why the noise mattered.

"It's hollow," Rodney said excitedly.

"The inscription _says_ there's something inside it, Rodney," Radek reminded him.

"Yes and the inscription also says that inside lies a source of great power. Now, the scans didn't reveal any energy coming from the device. A dead power source doesn't do much good for us. The hollow noise… That means that there's still room inside the cube for something else. The walls around the device have to be a least an inch thick. Whatever's inside is about one-fourth the size of your palm _at the most_. No power source is that big…"

"So there is no power source?" Radek asked.

"Where did they find this?" Rodney asked, picking up the cube. "They found it in the same room as the old Elizabeth was in, right?"

"Yes, but—"

"She couldn't bring a whole power source on her own; the Ancients would notice. She needed something that would fit with her in the chamber. Now, she knew that the failsafe would save us from the ocean, but she also knew that we would be facing an attack by the Wraith."

"She left us addresses with ZPM's for that so we could theoretically power the shields."

"What if she knew something else? Some other enemy we might encounter? What if this—" he held up the cube, "is the key to protecting ourselves against that enemy?"

"That's a little frightening," Radek replied.

"What is?" Rodney asked, his smile dissipating.

"That there is a new enemy out there that we haven't met yet," Radek replied.

"But if we get this open, we won't have to worry about it!" Rodney exclaimed.

"_If_ we get this open," Radek repeated, bringing Rodney back to their first problem.

Rodney's grin turned into a scowl, and he grabbed his clipboard. "It must be something in the inscription," he mumbled. Radek sighed and watched the other man for a few long moments before speaking again.

"It's Dr. Weir, isn't it?" Zelenka questioned, repeating the question he had asked the other man nearly three weeks ago.

Rodney's head snapped up, his eyes boring into Radek's. "No, and my love life isn't any of your business anyway," he spat.

Radek smiled, "Who said I was talking about your love life?"

"I—well, you—just…" Rodney was clearly flustered.

"You can _trust _me, Rodney," Radek said forcefully and honestly.

Rodney shifted his weight from foot to foot before glancing at his watch. "I…I have to go turn in my mission report," he said. It was true that they were 'due' today – but Elizabeth never minded if mission reports were a few days later.

Radek knew an evasion statement when he heard one. He knew that if he pressured Rodney, Rodney would simply clam up and refuse to speak. Still… Three weeks was a long time for someone to be as contrary to their normal behavior as Rodney was. Didn't he want to get it off his chest somehow? Radek sighed. He couldn't force Rodney to say anything. All he could do was be there for the other man.

But when it came to Rodney…sometimes the two things were nearly the same.

Rodney stepped away from the table, scurrying out of the lab. Zelenka grabbed the other man's forearm before he could leave. The two stared at each other for a long, tense moment. "Promise me you'll tell me what's going on," Zelenka said, his voice leaving no room for argument.

Rodney shifted his feet, looking longingly toward the door. He pulled his arm away from Radek, brushing his jacket sleeve as he mumbled, "Yeah, sure." Radek watched as Rodney walked out of the door. He knew that Rodney would stick to his word – albeit mumbled word. Both times that he had asked Rodney if his mood was about Elizabeth, Rodney had denied it. It was a good thing that Rodney was such a bad liar, Zelenka mused as he picked up the cube and tossed it between his hands.

Shrugging, Radek set the cube down on the table and walked toward the door. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get anywhere; it wouldn't hurt to take a food break. As he opened the door, Elizabeth Weir walked by on the way to the control room. Her steps were brisk, but it was not her walking speed that attracted Radek's confusion: Elizabeth looked like she had been crying.

Just what was going on around here, anyway?

* * *

**Author's Note: **Eee... I personally don't think this chapter is up to par, but let me tell you it is _hard_ to write an angst-y story when you're extremely happy. :) Anyway... I know there are communties in for Atlantis fanfiction, but I dislike LJ, so I've created a community for fanfic at so if you're a greatestjournal user and want to join, search for the community sg (underscore) atlantisfic. 

I hope you guys did enjoy this chapter anyway. I'm not sure when the next update will be, as I might be in Indiana for my brother's soccer tournament. If I'm not, there will probably be an update because I'm rotting at home lol. Thanks to aaobuttons, PurpleYin, szhismine, Margaret, Lucimon, Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith, fififolle, Shippie, Furlings Are Cats and Fanwoman for the reviews. I know this chapter was mostly about the device, but like I said, it will play an important part later:) Please review!

(Yay for more than 50 reviews!)


	9. Chapter 9

Elizabeth Weir looked at the pen in her hands as she sighed softly. This—this bizarre love triangle—it was getting out of hand. _'Then again, it has been for a long time,' _Elizabeth thought to herself, recalling all of the tears she had shed in the last few days. Crying had almost become a second nature. Just now, rushing to the control room for the arrival of AR-3, she had felt the weight of everything crushing around her once again, her eyes watering dangerously. It was one matter to cry alone, it was another to cry under the public eye. Elizabeth had no doubts about the people on Atlantis – they knew she was human, they knew she was more than a leader and they would understand if they saw her crying…but it was unacceptable to Elizabeth. These people had nothing to depend on but each other, and they needed a wise leader they could depend on. As long as she remained leader of the expedition, she would sacrifice anything to be that person for them. How could she support her people when she couldn't even gather the strength to support herself?

Troubled by her thoughts, Elizabeth pushed away from the desk in her office and walked onto the balcony, pushing away the immediate memories the balcony gave. She leaned on the banister as the cool breeze filtered through her hair and was reminded of why she enjoyed standing out here. It was so peaceful…so removed from the bustle and danger of the city.

But there was a new danger here. Memories of a forgotten affair that was never spoken physically, memories of another balcony under the night sky… _'A balcony is a balcony,' _Elizabeth thought to herself, rolling her eyes as if her outward attitude could convince her mind all the more. As hard as she tried, her heart would not listen for there in those crevices it contained, there was a clear distinction between the balconies. She ran a hand over the railing, feeling the soft metal beneath her fingertips. Here, here was where she and Rodney had spent countless nights simply talking about anything and everything. The words between them were nearly as soothing as the scenery that stretched beneath. They knew everything about each other, even down to what kindergarten the other had attended. Rodney and Elizabeth, they understood each other. They could rant, complain or speculate off of each other and never think the less of the other person or get bored with the conversation.

There was another balcony, a balcony she always associated with the darkness of the night. He fits in with the night, Elizabeth thought, an image of John coming to mind. They sat often beneath the starry sky, no words needing to be spoken. Each of them worked out their own problems, their minds independent. But there was something; some spark that lit the air when they touched, something…mysterious. That was the word for him, Elizabeth thought. There was always a comfort when she was around him – he would protect her easily. In more ways than one, Elizabeth realized. He would protect her physically, but their lack of communication protected her emotions from a scathing observation. No matter how protected she felt, there was always that aura of mystery. She had Rodney all figured out, but John was harder to unwrap. There were so many complex layers to him, so many keys to his behavior that lay beyond questions that couldn't be asked. Silently, Elizabeth wondered if that had become the new project of her curiosity; to decipher John's mind. Guilt swelling her throat, she had to ponder if that was the only reason she found their relationship so engrossing.

No one but herself for company, she found herself dissecting her own feelings layer by layer. What did she really want in a boyfriend? The bland, everyday answer was a man she could communicate with, share her feelings with, who understood her, who was sweet and caring… And Rodney and John, in their own special ways, fit the bill for the most part. So what was so different between them? She could talk with Rodney, express her feelings – with John, they didn't do that, but there was a primal level of understanding between them. Rodney was a scientist, always figuring out how things worked and why; John didn't question things but followed his instinct. John played hero without trying; Rodney was a reluctant hero.

But they both hid. Rodney hid behind the mask of a snarky, bitter person. John hid behind the mask of a military man and on his cheerful days, behind that of a carefree albeit sarcastic man. Elizabeth knew them both to know that the persona they hid behind _was_ truly a part of them – but only a small part. _'We all hide, don't we?' _Elizabeth wondered, folding her arms on the railing and leaning forward. She was hiding – hiding under the surface of a strong, capable leader. _'Why do people hide?' _her eyes swam the expanse of the water. _'We want to be somebody, be an example, be better than what we are inside… We believe only certain people can see the flaws in us and still respect us…we don't trust others to show the layers beneath…'_

So why was she hiding? If she was the strong, capable leader she made herself out to be, she wouldn't even be in this position. She had to turn to the inside, to who she truly was. It was a simple matter of diplomacy, Elizabeth decided, trying to figure out what was inside of her heart. She understood now what drove certain people to enter the psychology field. But you couldn't find who you yourself were from a textbook.

Elizabeth straightened her back and took a deep breath. She knew the courage that she had summoned to face herself would not last long. She had to make a decision between Rodney and John…and she would make it now. The minutes stretched long between and her eyelids fell, Elizabeth finding comfort in the warm, soft rays of the sun and the washing sounds of the waters. She would make a decision. The guilt would come inevitably; the roller coaster of events afterward would be emotional…but she could and she would make it through.

She may hide behind the mask of a strong woman…but just like John and Rodney, that woman was a part of her as well.

* * *

**Author's Note**: I'm back! It's only been five days, but it really seems like more. At least...to me. :) Anyway... I really like this chapter for some odd reason. -shrug- :) Anyways...I hope you guys liked and please review! Thanks to Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith (this chapter is dedicated to said swivel!), szhismine, Lucimon, PurpleYin and aaobuttons for the wonderful reviews!


	10. Chapter 10

It had taken nearly twenty minutes, but John Sheppard had found Rodney. Rodney, with his head down and his steps slow, was almost unrecognizable. Seeing him, John rushed forward. "Rodney!" he exclaimed.

McKay faced him, a faint, dim curiosity in his eyes. "Is Atlantis in danger?" he questioned flatly.

John frowned. "No…"

"Good. Then this can wait until later," Rodney said, turning away from John. His eyelids shut for a long moment. How had it gotten this bad? Why couldn't he stand to be within ten feet of his teammate, of his friend? How had this animosity grown between them so quickly? There was a little part of him that blamed John – shouldn't he have been able to tell that Rodney liked Elizabeth? The rational part of his mind knew that the notion was stupid and ridiculous, but it didn't change things.

"Rodney, this _is _important," John said, his voice going from friendly to firm. Rodney stopped, but didn't look back to meet him in the eye. He had promised Radek that he'd talk to him about the situation, and Rodney needed some time to think about the situation before that happened.

"If Atlantis isn't going to be destroyed, invaded, or damaged in the near future, there's nothing important enough to keep me from my beauty sleep," Rodney said sourly. "Not much can change in a half an hour," he added, turning around.

Rodney's mood grating on his nerves, John found himself snapping back. "Is that all you care about? Atlantis?" Rodney suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and instead clenched his jaw, waiting for John to continue. "I need to talk to you," John muttered crossly.

"Fine," Rodney folded his arms across his chest. "Then talk."

John's glare intensified. "Somewhere _private_," he said impatiently. After a minute of silence, John quickly decided on where to go. "In here," he informed Rodney, entering the mess hall. At this hour, the mess hall was practically empty except for a small group of scientists in the back corner. The door slid shut behind the two men softly.

"What do you want to talk about?" Rodney questioned.

"Elizabeth," John said. Rodney narrowed his eyes slightly as John's face closed off emotion. He knew very well what this meant. Whenever they tried bluffing their way out of things, whenever John was in a fight, whenever John was speaking to Elizabeth about defying her orders again, that look came on John's face. The look of nothingness – if you don't show emotion, you must not feel it. Rodney frowned at the idiocy of the military men for believing this tactic, but he didn't dwell long on it.

"What about her?" Rodney stonewalled.

"Rodney," John growled his name, warningly. "You know damn well what I mean." Rodney stared at John for a long moment, feeling a dark, hollow pit dig itself into his stomach. _John knew_. He knew it would have come to this eventually, but… Rodney blinked, his mouth set in a thin line. John stared at Rodney, his gaze unrelenting. Until now, he hadn't been positive that Rodney shared Elizabeth's feelings for him. It had been painfully obvious, but now he had proof. "Why?" John said tonelessly.

"What?" Rodney said, the word falling quickly from his lips, "Why what?"

"Why her? Why _now_?" John questioned. He wondered what difference in Rodney's and Elizabeth's relationship with one another had changed so dramatically that both of them seemed to have newfound 'love' for each other. John had pushed several ideas out of his head: Rodney, however cynical and obnoxious, wouldn't betray his teammate like that. But now he found himself pondering if that was true. Finding out that Elizabeth might be in love with Rodney was like a stab to the heart…or the back, depending on who you were talking about. Elizabeth had been the one to stab him in his heart, holding his emotions tenderly and gentle, only to crush them with this new observation of her own feelings. Rodney, it had felt – it _still _felt, had stabbed him in the back.

Rodney's shoulders slumped. _'I give up,'_ he thought. He was going to tell John the answer; not try and block all of his questions. "How do you explain love?" Rodney asked, his voice quiet. There really was no explanation: no words were adequate to describe his feelings for her. "Why now?" Rodney repeated the question. "It didn't happen 'now', not for me." At the emotionless mask still in place on John's face, Rodney continued. "I fell in love with her a long time ago, John." The words felt odd coming out of his mouth, but he used them all the less. "I was going to tell her on Valentine's Day."

Shock managed to penetrate John's carefully placed mask. Valentine's Day…the day John told Elizabeth. He must've just beaten Rodney there… John blinked. The only rational thought he could get out of his head was,_ 'For all of his criticism about how military people put on masks to hide our emotions from others…he's pretty good at it.' _For the past few days, all he could think about was _'How could Rodney do this to me?'_, but now he knew…now he knew that it wasn't Rodney who had done the 'betraying'…it was John. But was it really betrayal? They both loved the same woman, and the woman loved both of them. What were they expected to do?

Although feeling bad about what he'd done, John's lips moved to form another question. "Why this sudden thing with Elizabeth, then?" Because even though John had unknowingly beaten Rodney to 'the prize', there were other questions to be asked. Rodney, knowing the two were in love, should've given up and moved on. At the harshness of that idea, John winced. _'All the same,' _John thought, _'He could've told me what was going on.'_ But would it have made any difference? John wouldn't willingly give up Elizabeth, even for Rodney. He loved her.

"She found the necklace I made for her," Rodney said after a long pause.

"You made her a necklace," John stated, his voiced hovering suspiciously. If Rodney had made that necklace while he and Elizabeth were together… Had Rodney been trying to steal Elizabeth away from him? John felt a surge of anger at the thought.

"Yeah," Rodney replied, oblivious to the suspicious thoughts roaming in John's mind. "She found it somewhere, and came to me with it and asked about my feelings for her," he tried to be nonchalant about it, but his voice was strained.

"So you told her you loved her!" John shouted. A few of the scientists, including Radek Zelenka, looked up sharply at the outburst. "Look, I know you liked her and all," John continued, his voice distinctly lower, but none the less venom like, "but why would you do that? What, did you not care that Elizabeth and I were together?"

Rodney couldn't help the anger that his statement unleashed inside of him. "What would you have me do? Lie to her? And if you even cared to ask what I told her, you would know that I didn't tell her how I felt about her," Rodney glared at John, the emotional strain of the last few days exploding in anger within him. "And how did you expect me to know, anyway?" Rodney asked, his voice accusing, "You kept it under wraps; the only reason I found out is that I walked in on you two kissing."

John's hands clenched into fists at his side, two very different emotions tearing at him from the inside. There was the need to keep Elizabeth by his side; the urge to attack Rodney – verbally, for now – because of Elizabeth's new, changed emotions, and then there was the heart wrenching guilt and pity he felt for the man – _the friend _– standing before him. John took a small step back, unsure of what to do. The air was thick with tension as the two stared at each other for a long moment before John spoke again. "I'm sorry Rodney," John said, his voice hoarse, "but I love her. I'm not going to give her up for anybody or anything."

"You're not sorry," Rodney had been looking at the ground as John spoke, but now he raised his eyes, a heated look on his face. "I know I screwed up your perfect life, okay?" Rodney's voice trembled between anger and guilt as he spoke. "I would wait for her for the rest of my life – I already had been. I wasn't trying to ruin your relationship, so don't think I was. It's Elizabeth's decision on her feelings…or is it only your feelings that matter now, Sheppard?" Rodney spat.

John took a step forward, anger flaring in his eyes. How dare Rodney think that he didn't care about Elizabeth! "I love her and she loves me," he said vehemently. Rodney raised his chin slightly, his eyes betraying nothing. "You didn't respect that enough to tell her you didn't like her?" John questioned. Rodney was frozen, his mouth clamped shut. "What kind of friend are you?"

McKay narrowed his eyes slightly and replied in an icy voice, "Who said we were friends?" John stared at Rodney for a long moment, surprised by the other man's reply. His surprise didn't last long, and he fired with just the same iciness.

"We aren't." John glared at him for a long, hard moment before turning around and walking out of the mess hall. The Ancient door closed behind him and John broke into a jog, slowly progressing into a run. Regret of what he'd said just minutes ago quickly began to settle around him. His pace quickened, as if he could outrun his short temper and wild emotions, but they consumed him.

Back in the mess hall, Rodney stared wordlessly at the door that John had just exited, fighting to keep the emotions off of his face. "Going after Sheppard's woman, now are you?" the vulgar yell behind him assaulted his ears, but he remained silent. There was a small scrape as the speaker stood from his seat. "What makes you think she'll like you over her? What makes you think _any woman_ would like you over anyone here?"

"Shut up, Kavanagh," a distinctly accented voice announced loudly. Rodney felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Radek Zelenka standing next to him. "How bout we get out of here?" he suggested to Rodney.

Rodney couldn't agree more.

* * *

**Author's Note: **:) Hope you guys liked this chapter! A little longer than usual, not that it matters. Okay, so it's almost twice the size of a regular chapter...but...yeah :) Wanted to post this before they revamp the login section, as it will probably take me forever to relearn, lol. I don't know when the next update will be. This week is my last full week of my freshman year at HS (yeey!) so I've got a kazillion projects and tests due, and then next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have finals. Most likely this will be updated sometime after the fifteenth. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed! They really make my day! Just to be annoying...:)...In the next chapter: John'sreaction and Elizabeth's decision (or something like that, my writing doesn't like to follow my mind :) ). And for anyone who was wondering, there are several chapters still left. ;) Elizabeth's decision leads to a fatal situation for one of the men... Okay, I swear I'm done baiting you guys. :) Hope you liked, and please review!


	11. Chapter 11

"John, I've been thinking a lot about us, and…" Elizabeth's voice trailed away as she walked alone through the hallways of Atlantis. She sighed softly, massaging her tense neck. Pushing away the faint worry that she wouldn't be able to carry through with her decision, Elizabeth continued walking. She walked slowly, as if hoping that the pace would ease the turmoil of the two upcoming conversations. Though she faced undeniable guilt over the whole ordeal, she was glad that she had made a decision. Self-doubt was one of the worst things to have; at least for Elizabeth. Elizabeth was pulled out of her thoughts when John Sheppard appeared in her view a few yards ahead, slowing from a job. There was a thin sheen of sweat covering him, his heavy breaths loud in the hallway. Elizabeth supposed that he had been running, something that confused her greatly. By now, she knew his routine better than her own. He got up every other morning just before sunrise to run, returning a half an hour later. Elizabeth never went with him, guessing that those precious thirty minutes were better off spent alone. Seeing the troubled look in John's eyes, she frowned slightly, but pushed it away. If she didn't do this now, she didn't think she ever would.

"J—Major," Elizabeth stumbled over the word at first, her heart wrenching at the familiarity of his name, forcing her lips to use his title instead. John's eyes flew to hers, a dark curiosity in them. Elizabeth exhaled, her hands shaking. Lest John notice her nervousness, she drew her hands to her stomach: fiddling with her fingers, cracking her knuckles…anything to distract herself.

"Elizabeth," John stared her in the eye, swallowing tightly. There was a nervous air surrounding Elizabeth that was simply _wrong_. She was hardly ever nervous – and when she was, it wasn't in her speech; in her air, it was for her people. John had a bad feeling about this. He ran a hand through his hair. After the conversation with Rodney, he didn't need anything else… A dark premonition entered his thoughts. What could Elizabeth want to talk to him about?

"I…I've been thinking a lot about our relationship," Elizabeth hoped that he couldn't hear the weakness in her voice. She swallowed, holding her chin high in the air, refusing to let her nervousness take over without a fight. John listened to the wavering of her voice with an increasingly prophetic feeling that this was not going to be good news. "And… I think it's for the best if we stop seeing each other," she finished her sentence with a sinking feeling, glancing up from the floor, where her gaze had fallen while she spoke. John's eyes were blank with surprise for a long moment. He had known it was coming, but he had held out hope that things would turn out okay. That McKay's eye would be caught by some petite blonde thing, leaving John and Elizabeth's relationship unharmed, but that was not to be. His stomach rolled, his throat clenching. This was it. Their relationship, it was gone now. John stared straight ahead, nothing on his face changing.

"I…" Elizabeth looked to the side, her heart wrenching with guilt. "I'm sorry, John," she whispered. She waited a long moment for him to say something, anything, but received only silence instead. Somehow the silence was more aggravating than if he'd attacked her. At least she would have known he was _human_ that way. At least then she would've known that this mattered to him. Elizabeth waited for one long minute: for something; _anything_. John was frozen in his place, expression unchanging. His eyes were focused at some point beyond Elizabeth's head. Elizabeth bowed her head and walked past him, footsteps resounding loudly in the hallway.

* * *

Rodney McKay leaned forward, his elbows on the banister of the balcony, the cool night air surrounding him. He remembered the last time that he had been here, holding Elizabeth in his arms, attempting to push away the hope that he'd be able to hold her again. Listening to the calming noise of the waves lapping against the piers, he wondered what Elizabeth was thinking. Why would she risk her perfect relationship with John for some necklace she found? Rodney didn't allow himself to think about it. He couldn't have his hopes dashed as cruelly as they had been before. The memory of walking in on the two kissing was still far too clear in his mind, though it had happened weeks ago.

Rodney turned as the door onto the balcony opened, Elizabeth Weir stepping through. All of Rodney's previous thoughts slipped away at her appearance. She looked like a haunted woman; her eyes wide and tortured, her posture slumped. Slowly, she met his eyes, her chin trembling. "Elizabeth…" Rodney said cautiously, worried. She wrapped her arms around herself, fighting to hold her chin in the air. "What's going on?" he turned, taking a few steps closer to her.

"I…I…" Elizabeth found it nearly impossible to speak. Inwardly, she berated herself for the tears burning in her eyes. Rodney frowned, coming up to her and placing a hand on her shoulder, trying to meet her gaze. "I didn't want to hurt him, Rodney," the words flew from her mouth, her voice cracking. "I didn't want to hurt you…" she closed her eyes tightly, suddenly wanting to tear Rodney's hand off of her shoulder. She didn't deserve such nice treatment from Rodney after all that she'd put him through. "He didn't even say anything…he just…looked at me…" she pursed her lips together and yet again found herself fighting tears. Hadn't she promised herself that the tears would stop? That this sudden weakness she found would strengthen?

Rodney found himself thoroughly confused by the words coming out of Elizabeth's mouth, but he did not try and make sense of them. A dry sob shook her frame, and Rodney was vaguely reminded of when she'd been informed of deaths of several expedition members. Hardly ever did a tear fall down her face. He remembered nights where they stood out on this very same balcony talking about their deaths, and the only tears she had cried were silent and few and far between. Why then, did this bother her so much more than the death of a colleague; a friend? The question weighed heavily on his mind for a few minutes, but the answer was clear. The deaths had been caused by an evil, volatile race, but this pain that John and Rodney had…she believed it was caused by her. That it was _her_ sole fault that all of this was happening… "Elizabeth…" Rodney's sentence died on his lips as Elizabeth looked up to meet his eyes. The pain in them was so blatantly obvious that Rodney found himself wishing there was some way he could do away with it. For a quiet moment, he didn't know what to do. Elizabeth was holding herself, shying away from his touch, but she'd never before looked as desperate for comfort as she did now. The decision came quickly. Rodney reached forward, wrapping his arms around Elizabeth and holding her tightly. She stiffened against him for a long moment before relaxing, fingers curling around the fabric of his shirt. "It wasn't your fault…" Rodney whispered, "It wasn't your fault…"

* * *

**Author's Note: **Finally, summer vacation! Anyways, I hope you guys liked this chapter! I'm guessing a lot of you were pleased by Elizabeth's decision. :) Yes, that means I'm finally done teasing you all. Or, at least, about _that_part of the story ;). Anyway, don't worry, there's still far more to come! John's reaction to the last few chapters as well as the beginning of understanding _what the crap the device is in this story for_. The device actually leads up to my favorite chapter-idea for this story, but I'm odd, so... I'm not quite sure when the next chapter will be up. Hopefully soon! Anyway...please review!

**Thanks to **_Cindy Ryan, Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith, Lilmisshardygirl, theminority, Fanwoman, Margaret, PurpleYin, Lucimon, _and _aaobuttons _**for the reviews!**


	12. Chapter 12

He'd dealt with loss before. Loss of friends, loss of colleagues… But somehow, this was different. This was far more painful. John Sheppard drummed his fingers on the tabletop before him, joints stiff. He had been sitting in Rodney McKay's lab for the last half an hour since he'd run into Elizabeth in the hallway. There was no real explicable reason for being here, John knew, but he was sitting in a stool before the table all the same, his mind mercilessly replaying Elizabeth's words.

"**I think it's for the best if we stop seeing each other…" **John bit his lip, anger overpowering the rest of his emotions. He wished he could go back in time to the moment she whispered those words to her. _'So you can off with **Rodney**!' _he replied inwardly at the painstakingly clear memory of Elizabeth's voice. There were so many things going through his mind, so many things that he wanted to tell her, so many things he wanted to say… He wanted her to know how much this hurt him. What sort of human was she? What sort of woman dumped someone for their close friend? John's hands curled into fists. So intent on anger, the pain inside of him ebbed to a dull throb. She had said she was sorry. Did she expect for him to _forgive _her for this? Did she expect this situation to stay under wraps? If she did, she was wrong. Already John could feel the tension during their briefing tomorrow. How was he supposed to put his faith in her as his leader? As a leader, wasn't she supposed to remain impartial, anyway?

John sighed heavily, reaching forward and grasping the Ancient device. _'People don't even pick up around here,' _he thought silently as he rolled the cube back and forth between his hands. As he did so, he looked around the lab. What did Elizabeth see in Rodney? Why did she choose Rodney over him? John couldn't see it. As his anger began to recede, John tried to keep it. It was easier, dealing with anger: far easier than dealing with pain. Despite his struggles, he was again faced with the pain.

Didn't Rodney care about him _at all_? Why didn't he discourage Elizabeth from liking him, remind her of John? John doubted that Rodney cared for Elizabeth with half the strength that he did. John stopped rolling the cube, resting his hands on it. With all that he and Rodney had been through, John believed that Rodney at least owed John this. A seed of anger began in his thoughts, and John embraced it. Maybe he should've known. When Chaya came back to Atlantis, all Rodney tried to do was find something wrong with her. John frowned deeply. Though it had been a few months since he and Chaya had met and departed, there was unresolved sorrow within him. No one could understand what happened between them. _'Especially Rodney,' _John remembered clearly their heated conversation about the mysterious woman. Rodney had done all he could to get Chaya sent back to her planet, and now he'd taken Elizabeth from him. John clenched his jaw tightly.

"What am I doing?" John suddenly asked himself aloud, his shoulders slumping. Rodney had saved him on countless occasions. He must have been worried that John would grow too close to Chaya, already suspecting something was different about her. And Elizabeth… How could _he_ say those things about her? John had never seen her so distressed, so _pained_, before. Whatever they had between them while they were together; there was no faking that. She had loved him the same. John knew he was being selfish, lashing out at Elizabeth and Rodney like this…but what was he supposed to do? He had fallen for a wonderful woman who returned his affections – and now that woman and his friend were together. John had no doubt that Elizabeth went straight to Rodney after seeing him. _'I wonder if they're still celebrating,' _John thought snidely, and immediately reprimanded himself for his immaturity. It was hard, trying to control the emotions ravaging through him. He had believed that he and Elizabeth would last for a very, very long time. The memory of her face was what kept him going during the day. John gripped the device tightly, his fingers digging into the hard material, when suddenly he felt it move beneath his fingers.

John immediately pulled his hands back, staring at the cube for a long moment. When nothing happened, he leaned forward, inspecting it carefully. It took a minute before he found the discrepancy – a single Ancient word was pushed inward about a half an inch. John frowned, staring at the indented word. "Flower," he murmured aloud. "It means flower…" A frown creased his face. He pushed away from the table, walking over to Rodney's desk, rifling through it until he found what he was looking for.

John set the paper down on the table and picked up the device in his hands, reading from the paper. "Inside lies a source of flower power, only intended for use of animal descendants of the Ancients…" His eyes ran over the foreign writing. He was suddenly glad that he'd picked up the ability to read the language during his time on Atlantis. John's eyes finally found the word 'animal'. Hesitating slightly, he touched the tip of his finger to the word and pushed. The cube moved beneath his hands, the word pushing in just as the other had done. "This power is not to be used to create war. This alphabet must be used…" his fingers found 'alphabet' and he pushed, finding the same result as before.

An hour later, the cube lay on the table in the empty room. It was opened, small inside empty. The faint, familiar whirring of the 'gate as it dialed an address echoed through the hallways, barely loud enough to be heard.

* * *

**Author's Note: **If you're confused, don't worry. If some things seem odd, don't worry. :) I'll clear a lot up in the next chapter, no worries. Until then, you're free to jump to conclusions. :) Hope you guys liked this chapter. It's hard writing John's character without a lot of backstory on him, but I lived. :) Thank you all for the lovely reviews on the last chapter! Just curious, was/is anyone rooting for a Shweir turnout? Anyways, almost to 100 reviews! Wow... :) Thanks bunches, guys! 


	13. Chapter 13

Rodney McKay took a sip of coffee as he walked. There was the general morning bustle in the hallways, but it was calm and peaceful. He sighed, not knowing whether to be overjoyed or saddened. Elizabeth had told him her decision last night. On one hand, he was overjoyed that she chose him; that she _loved_ him, but… What about John? Rodney winced, recalling the heated argument they'd had in the mess hall. He sighed again, taking a gulp of his coffee, debating what to do. Last night he and Elizabeth had stayed up talking on the balcony, like they often used to do, before retiring to their own quarters. Neither of them were ready to tell _anyone _about their feelings for each other (though Rodney had a nagging suspicion that some people knew of his fondness for Elizabeth), not to mention say anything about being a couple. _'Not that we are really a couple…' _Rodney thought, frowning slightly. They hadn't discussed that yet, and to be honest, Rodney knew they wouldn't for a while. Both of them needed time to adjust. But for now, he was perfectly content with simply knowing that she loved him back.

* * *

Radek Zelenka yawned as he headed toward the lab for another day of work. Last night had been his most recent full night of sleep in…well, it was better not to think about it. He'd been working nonstop on the device, and found nothing. He reached up and moved his glasses with one hand, vaguely wondering if this prescription would last them until they were finally able to establish wormholes with Earth. Carson was a big help – but he was far from a professional eye doctor. Or, as Carson was fond of saying, 'I'm a bloody _medical_ doctor, not an eye doctor.' Zelenka smiled. Carson tried his best regardless.

"I heard McKay is hitting on Chaya…" Zelenka's head whipped in the direction of the voice, frowning.

"Chaya? But Sheppard's only been back there once or twice!" Radek frowned, spotting a group of four or five people standing in a huddle on the side of a hallway. Rumors traveled fast in Atlantis. He eavesdropped on the conversation – not that they were bothering to lower their voices any – and slowed down to a stroll. Inwardly, he was coming up with very unpleasant names for Kavanagh, certain that he had told everyone of the spat between the major and Rodney last night. "I bet you it's about," the speaker made an act of lowering her voice slightly, "Teyla."

"Teyla?" someone else replied, shocked.

"She _is _hot," another voice shot in.

"What about Doctor Weir?"

"Oooh! Good point! Both of them are always following her."

"Yeah, like lost dogs," someone confirmed, and they laughed. Zelenka shook his head, glad that Rodney wasn't here to listen to this. Inwardly, he seethed.

"Hey, Zelenka!" one of the people stepped forward, grinning widely. "Have you heard about Rodney's little spat with Sheppard?" she laughed shrilly, "I mean, of _course _you have. What do you know about it? We wouldn't want to spread lies about it, you–"

Zelenka glared at her and replied with cool venom in his voice. "I know very well what the fight was about, but I'm not going to tell you. It's none of your business." He shot a look at the other four staring at him. "And you were chosen to come here for some specialty, not to stand around gossiping and acting like morons." With that he walked swiftly away from the group, shaking his head. They were like vultures on a carcass.

When he got close to the lab, he spotted Rodney coming from the opposite direction. They both smiled and nodded at each other, Zelenka studying Rodney carefully. He looked a lot happier today, but sadness still held in his eyes. Radek hadn't forgotten Rodney's promise that Rodney would tell him what was going on, but he decided not to push it. Rodney would tell him eventually, and that was good enough for him.

"So, what tests do you want," Rodney spoke as they walked into the lab, "to run on the-" he stopped in mid-sentence, his feet stopping in their place as well. Sitting on the lab table was the device – the _open _device. It'd been opened along a crease in the middle that no one had noticed earlier. Both Zelenka and McKay approached it cautiously. Rodney picked it up, looking at it. Certain symbols on the outside had been depressed. As they looked at the symbols, the two came to the same realization.

"The typos," Zelenka breathed.

"They weren't really typos after all," Rodney clarified, running his fingers over the indentations. "That's brilliant! The Ancients only wanted their descendants to be able to open it, so what better way than to use your own language? We should've known that the Ancients wouldn't have typos unless they were for a reason! All we had to do was just press on the typos, and it would've opened a long time ago."

"Is there anything inside?" Zelenka asked, and Rodney lowered his hands so they could both peer at the inside. It was made of the same solid alloy as the outside. There was a rectangle cut into the inside that would provide for a small piece of paper to be placed inside.

"I was right," Rodney whispered, "About a paper. It probably had a 'gate address on it…"

"Where is it?" Zelenka questioned, and Rodney's mouth went dry. No technician would dare enter Rodney McKay's lab while he wasn't here. So who else knew Ancient? Who else _enjoyed _puzzles?

"He wouldn't have…" Rodney muttered aloud, looking down at the empty slot where the paper _should have _been. No, John wouldn't have been that stupid. He would've brought back-up…right? Like a lead weight hitting his stomach, he recalled their fight and the news Elizabeth had given him. "Zelenka," he turned and addressed a confused-looking Radek, "Get Grodin and Elizabeth."

"What? What's going on? Who solved this? Who opened the puzzle?"

"Radek!" Rodney exclaimed, "Please," he added. "I'll explain it to you later." Zelenka hesitated, but eventually nodded and raced off to get Elizabeth and Peter. Rodney set the cube on the lab desk and hurried in the opposite direction – to the armory.

* * *

"McKay? Why are you all geared up?" Peter Grodin questioned as he walked into the control room. Rodney shook his head, waving his question by. Guilt and worry were clear emotions in his eyes.

"Get onto the mainframe and check what wormholes have been established from Atlantis in the last twelve hours," Rodney ordered, looking around for Zelenka or Elizabeth. He fidgeted, looking at his watch anxiously. Every second counted. His fingers curled around the handle of the P90, glancing at the 'gate.

Peter pointed to a list of addresses as they showed up on the screen. "There they are."

"All right…This one," Rodney pointed to the very top one. Do you remember this address?" he grilled Peter.

"N-No, but I don't remember every bloody address, you know…"

"Neither do I," Rodney assessed. "How long ago was it?"

"Five hours," Peter informed him, and frowned. "I was sleeping then."

"So was Elizabeth," Rodney muttered, receiving an odd look from Peter. "What?" he asked, and then shook his head. "Forget it, Grodin, it's not what you're thinking." He pointed at the gate address again, "Dial that address."

"What?"

"Just do it," Rodney ordered again as Radek and Elizabeth walked into the room. Elizabeth glanced at the dialing 'gate and back to Rodney.

"Rodney…what's going on?" she questioned, frowning slightly. "Radek told me you found the device open in the lab. Who –"

"Sheppard opened it," Rodney said bluntly, "He found a paper inside with a 'gate address and went to the planet."

"What?" Elizabeth and Radek exclaimed at the same time. "Why?" Elizabeth echoed. Rodney met her eyes, and Elizabeth's shoulders drooped. She knew far too well why.

"I'm going after him," Rodney informed her, and the worry in Elizabeth's eyes increased. She reached for the comms button.

"I'll have Teyla and Ford geared up in ten –"

"No." Rodney's hand shot forward, grabbing her hand to keep her from hitting the communication button that would allow her to speak city-wide. "I have to do this alone." Zelenka and Grodin shared a look as more unspoken words passed between Elizabeth and Rodney. Rodney's hurried answer had provided some answers, but there were clearly some things that they were not privy to.

Elizabeth finally nodded, stepping back. "If you're not back in…four hours we'll open a wormhole and radio you. If you don't radio back I'm sending a few teams through." Rodney nodded and turned, jogging toward the stairs that led to the 'gate.

"Hey!" Peter exclaimed, "Wait a minute! What the bloody hell is going on here?" Rodney ignored him as the wormhole connected. He went down the stairs quickly, not sparing a look back at Elizabeth's terrified face as he took a small breath and stepped through the 'gate.

Elizabeth closed her eyes as the event horizon disappeared. "What have I done?" she whispered softly.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hope you enjoyed! Just to let you know, this won't be updated until after I get back from New York (camping with my dad's side of the family, I'm so excited!). I get back the 16th (and leave for another trip the 23rd) so some time between those dates there should be an update. I hope you guys enjoyed, and thanks so much for the 100 (100 plus, really) reviews!


	14. Chapter 14

Elizabeth took a deep breath as she turned back from the 'gate. Her eyes fell on Peter, who was still wearing a mask of confusion on his face. She set her jaw, a quick debate taking place in her mind. "Peter," she said, and his eyes moved to her. "Radio Bates, tell him to get his team geared up and in the 'gate room ASAP." She nodded to the both of them before beginning to walk toward her office.

"Excuse me, Doctor Weir?" Radek's voice stopped her. She turned, raising her eyebrows inquisitively. Radek hesitated, knowing he could very well be treading on dangerous ground.

Elizabeth frowned, knowing that Radek was going to ask her why she was ordering Sergeant Bates' team to suit up when she'd told Rodney she would let him go alone. "I'm not letting him go without backup."

* * *

Rodney McKay took a long look around as he stepped away from the now idle Stargate. It was a far different feeling, going to an unknown planet alone, than going knowing that Teyla, Ford, and Sheppard were with him. Rodney swallowed tightly and moved forward. The 'gate was positioned on a hill, which gave him a wide aerial view of the area. There was a long stretch of flat, grassy land flanked on both sides by woods. Rodney took a breath and began walking down the hill.

"Major," he radioed, but didn't receive anything other than static. "Major, come in." Still nothing. Rodney reached the bottom of the hill and he stopped. Far into the distance, he could hear a horn sounding. He grasped the P90 in his hands tightly and quickly went to his right, disappearing into the trees.

* * *

"Yo, Doctor Weir," Elizabeth turned to see Aiden and Teyla standing behind her, already suited up. She'd been standing in the control room, watching the 'gate and waiting for Bates to arrive.

"Lieutenant," she blinked in surprise, "Teyla. What are you doing here?"

"We want to help," Aiden answered gruffly.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm, but Sergeant Bates –"

"They're a part of our team, Doctor Weir," Teyla interrupted smoothly.

"Let us go," Aiden added pleadingly.

"Fine," Elizabeth conceded. "Bates and his team should be here any moment."

"We have to go through now," Aiden glanced at the 'gate quickly before looking to Elizabeth. "Look, God only knows what they've found out there. They need all the back-up they can get. Every second counts." Elizabeth pursed her lips as she considered his words. Aiden was right: the few minutes it took Bates and his team to get here could be the minutes that decided whether they lived or died.

"Grodin, dial the planet," she ordered.

"Will do," Peter replied.

Elizabeth glanced over at Aiden and Teyla and addressed them, ""Be safe." They both nodded in reply before jogging to the 'gate. Elizabeth sighed softly, watching them go through the wormhole. As soon as they'd disappeared, she turned around, switching on her radio. "Bates, where are you?"

"We're suited up and heading your way. What is our mission?" his reply crackled through the earpiece.

"You're on a rescue mission, Sergeant," Elizabeth informed him. "Major Sheppard has been gone for five hours on an unknown planet. McKay went after him about thirty minutes ago. Lieutenant Ford and Teyla just left."

"ETA two minutes," Bates said after a moment. Elizabeth nodded to herself and turned off her radio.

"Dial the address," she ordered again, and closed her eyes briefly. If something had happened to John or Rodney… This mess was all her fault. Elizabeth clenched her teeth and turned to face the 'gate once more, convincing herself that she was doing all she could do for them. They were resourceful. They would make it out okay.

She couldn't afford to think otherwise.

* * *

Rodney leaned against a tree, panting. He'd been running since he'd gotten into the forest, and he had a sheen of sweat covering his entire body to show for it. There had been no reply from Sheppard the times he'd attempted to radio. Rodney straightened as he heard the sound of twigs snapping. He strained his ears. Someone was coming. With a swiftness that would've made John proud, he ducked behind a nearby bush, aiming his gun at the trees ahead. Two men burst through into his line of vision. Rodney's eyes moved to the bow and arrows each of them carried. The men looked muscular and agile, more than capable of tracking down one man. Rodney looked around nervously. His eyes widened as the sound of gunfire cracked through the air. He instinctively ducked, and when he raised his head again, the two men were lying on the ground, blood spilling from their chests. Rodney looked around the area, his heart pounding in his chest. He hadn't fired those shots.

He looked in the general direction he thought the shots had come from and crept there slowly. A large, mossy log was lying a few yards away from where the men had been. Rodney took a deep breath as he hopped over the log.

"Rodney! Jesus…" Rodney turned his head and nearly gave a cry of relief. There, sitting to his left, was John Sheppard. John lowered his gun, leaning his head against the log. Rodney's eyes swept over the other man quickly. His face was covered in dirt, as were his legs and arms. Rodney winced as he saw the arrow imbedded in the major's thigh. "What the hell are you doing here?" John questioned angrily.

"What were you thinking?" Rodney ignored his question. Just as John opened his mouth to respond, an arrow flew over their heads. John turned and peered over the log, swearing softly.

"Five of them," he informed Rodney grudgingly.

"Right," Rodney clutched the gun, now hearing their footsteps as they came closer.

"Why are you here?" John asked through gritted teeth. His skin gleamed with sweat; his hands shaking. Rodney knew that it was the pain and not the planet's warm temperature causing it.

"Saving you," Rodney replied simply. He didn't feel like he was saving anyone now, crouched behind a log and clutching his gun for dear life.

"Elizabeth sent you because she felt guilty, didn't she?" John said crossly, letting the back of his head rest against the log.

"I came by myself," Rodney replied. "Elizabeth wanted me to wait for Bates' team."

"I don't need rescuing."

"Oh, right, well I'll just get up and go back, then. Meet you there?" Rodney retorted, his voice full of sarcasm.

"You're just angry that I figured out the damn puzzle. You're just here to get some credit; to look brave for Elizabeth." John's face held his anger, but Rodney saw through it to the sliver of pain that crossed his friend's face when he said those words.

"Damn it John! I'm here because you're my friend and I don't want to see you come back in a body bag." Rodney felt his palms beginning to sweat as the screams of the natives came closer. "Look, even if I didn't love Elizabeth, would it have changed things?" Rodney turned to face John. Slowly, John looked over, an undecipherable look on his face.

"Love?" he questioned, voice soft.

Rodney frowned, his eyebrows creasing in curiosity. "I—" he was interrupted as another arrow flew over their heads, landing in the ground a few feet before them. The sound of footsteps neared.

"We have to get out of here," John spoke first, his voice betraying nothing.

"Yeah," Rodney agreed. They both knew they needed to get out of there – if they didn't leave soon, then they wouldn't be able to continue the argument, anyway.

"On the count of three," John elaborated, and gripped the gun harder. "One…two…three!" he shoved off from the log and turned to face his pursuers, his finger pulling back on the trigger. Rodney stumbled to his feet and fired. "C'mon!" John yelled, grabbing Rodney's collar and pulling him back. Three of the men had fallen, but the other two were running toward them screaming. In the near distance, they heard footsteps of more. Rodney and John turned and began running in the general direction of the 'gate. John was much slower than usual, limping as he ran, his face clenched in pain. He stumbled over his own feet, landing on the ground unceremoniously. Rodney stopped and knelt down next to him, worried eyes moving between his friend and the two men that were closing in on them.

"Major, can you keep running?"

John winced, rolling over to his back and looking at the arrow in his thigh. "I don't think so," he wheezed. "Go on. Take my bag and go." Rodney's eyes moved to the black bag attached to John's back and slowly shook his head. He took the bag and put it on his own shoulders before addressing John again.

"We're both getting out of here," Rodney said firmly. "Now, come on," he reached for John's arm, wrapping it around his neck and helping him stand. They began to make their way back to the 'gate slowly, far too slowly. The men behind them were closing in. Arrows flew by them, barely missing, and they did their best not to let it startle them.

"Just leave me, Rodney!"

"Just shut up, okay?" Rodney yelled in reply.

"They're going to catch up to us," John hissed. Rodney stepped behind what appeared to be a pine tree. His lungs were burning with the effort of half-carrying John and trying to go as fast as they possibly could. "Look, my mag is nearly empty and there's a whole hell of a lot of guys following these two. We can't beat them, McKay, not just the two of us." Rodney waited, clenching his teeth, hoping for another option. Either they were both going to die, or John was going to die. Neither of the options were acceptable.

Aiden Ford's voice crackled through the radio, "Doctor McKay, this is Lieutenant Ford. What is your status?" Rodney could've melted in relief. They had a third option.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up! Anyway, I hope you guys liked it. I'll try to get an update in soon, but real life has been hectic recently. Thanks for the reviews!


	15. Chapter 15

"Doctor McKay, this is Lieutenant Ford. What is your status?"

"Our status is we're running like hell," Rodney radioed in reply, short of breath. John, favoring his injured leg, peered around the tree they'd paused behind and quickly retracted his head. They'd gotten ahead of their pursuers, but not for long. Rodney hesitated before speaking again. "I've got Sheppard. He's hurt and we need back-up."

"Rodney, we've got to go," John told him, hearing the footsteps come closer.

"Where are you?" Aiden questioned urgently.

Rodney and John looked toward each other. In the mess of trees that all appeared to be the same, it was impossible to tell how far they'd traveled.

"I have a flare in here somewhere," Rodney muttered, dropping his backpack and rifling through it. Shouting reached his ears and his hands trembled as he searched for the flare gun. Pushing Rodney's hands aside, John plunged his hand in the sack, drawing out a pack of C4 and a detonator.

"Let's go!" he ordered, tossing the backpack to Rodney. They started running as fast as they could, Rodney clutching his backpack and trying to support John. As they passed by a large, leafy tree John tossed the C4 by its trunk. "Take cover!" he shouted to Rodney.

"What?" Rodney questioned.

John pressed the button on the detonator and dove into Rodney. They landed in a patch of thorny bushes as a loud boom lit the air, a wave of heat pressing over them. Debris flew around them, and they both covered their heads. When the raining debris slowed, John struggled to his feet and pulled on the handle on the back of Rodney's vest, trying to pull him up. Getting the hint, Rodney stood. He was shaky on his feet, but as soon as the dizziness wore off, he tossed his backpack onto his shoulder, put John's arm around his neck, put his own arm around John's waist, and moved quickly away from the fire the explosion had left behind.

---

"Rodney?" Aiden radioed again, but there was no reply, only a still silence that hung in the air. He looked over to Teyla, who simply raised her eyebrows. Holding his gun tightly in his hand, he began to jog down the hill. Teyla followed him closely, scanning the trees for any sign of her teammates. Just as they reached the bottom of the hill, a bright fireball erupted to their right, an ear-splitting bang reaching them milliseconds later.

"Found 'em," Aiden grunted as they both turned toward the flames.

---

"I think that slowed them down a little," John said aloud, risking a glance backward.

"A little!" Rodney exclaimed. "What'd you do to piss them off, anyway?"

John smirked despite the burning pain in his thigh. "That cube had the address to this planet inside," he told him. "I figured there must be a ZPM or something like that around here. I found this," he tilted his head toward his bag, "in an empty camp. When the natives came along they weren't exactly looking to chat about it, so I figure it's pretty important." He paused, looking at Rodney. "I'm guessing you and Zelenka will be able to figure it out."

Despite his overwhelming curiosity about the object John had found and the excitement of a new Ancient object to study, Rodney was disquieted about the news. John had come too close to dying in order to get the mysterious object. No matter what it was, he was positive it wasn't worth that much.

"Why didn't you wait?" Rodney asked, his voice softer than usual.

John hesitated, looking away from Rodney. "I…" he trailed off. "Can we talk about this later?" he questioned a moment later, and Rodney nodded silently.

"Major! Doctor!" Rodney's head snapped toward the sound of Teyla's voice to see her running toward them with Aiden beside her.

"Nice flare," Aiden said as he met up with them, his eyes quickly taking in John's injury. Teyla slipped beside John, wrapping his other arm around her neck, and helped Rodney support him. Aiden walked backward, his gun aimed behind the others. The natives had regained their focus, their silhouettes dark against the spreading flames.

"AR-1, this is Bates. Do you read?" a voice crackled through the radio, Aiden grabbing it moment the message came through and replied immediately.

"This is Lieutenant Ford; we read you. Major Sheppard is injured and we're heading back to the 'gate. Set a perimeter of claymores down; we're comin' in hot."

---

Elizabeth stared down at the 'gate. She knew far too well that any harm that came to John or Rodney would be her fault. It was because of her that John had been so upset, so emotionally unbalanced, that he would go off on his own like that. When they'd found out what John had done, Elizabeth knew Rodney would want to go after him. That was the kind of person he was. She only hoped she'd sent help in time for both of them.

"Elizabeth?" Carson Beckett's voice reached her ears and she turned to see him standing behind her.

"Yes?" she inquired, stepping toward him.

"Two airmen were found about ten minutes ago passed out in the hallways," he told her, and Elizabeth frowned. She hadn't remembered seeing anyone, but she doubted that she would have remembered even if they'd been right in her path. Her worry had engulfed her senses and everything but that worry had dropped away. "They've just come to. Elizabeth…" he paused before speaking again. "They claim that their attacker was Major Sheppard."

Elizabeth was silent as the pieces fell together. She'd wondered why no one had stopped John from dialing the 'gate, and now she knew why. "Are they all right?" she asked.

"They'll have a headache for the rest of the day, but other than that they should be fine." Carson peered at her closely. "Aren't you concerned that they're accusing the major of this?" he said cautiously. Her face was unreadable as she turned back to face the 'gate.

"I'm pretty sure he did it," she said finally.

"Wh…What?" Carson sputtered, walking up beside her. "What are you talking about?" he demanded to know, trying to catch her eye.

"I…" she glanced at him and then quickly looked away, sighing heavily.

Carson put a hand on her should reassuringly. "You can tell me anything," he informed her gently.

"I know," Elizabeth replied, meeting his eyes again. She trusted Carson; he was among her closest friends. But telling him everything that happened…she was ashamed of herself, of her actions, of the way she'd acted, of everything. Again her gaze strayed toward the 'gate, wishing they'd come through soon.

"The Stargate isn't going anywhere," Carson reminded her. He knew that look on her face. Something had upset her; a person, a situation… Elizabeth was a strong woman, but she held the misconception that she could get through tough times on her own. "Let's go into your office," Carson suggested. "We can talk there and if anybody comes back, the 'gate is just outside."

Elizabeth nodded and walked to the office with him. She knew needed to talk to someone, someone she trusted. Talking to Kate had helped her, but that was long ago and so much had happened since then. Carson deserved answers; everyone did. Her body felt numb, as if the tight ball of emotional stress within her had cut off the circulation of blood. Sharing her emotions with Carson wouldn't change what had happened, wouldn't change the fact that most of this was her fault, but it would lessen the overbearing load she had on her shoulders.

But whatever reassuring things Carson had to say wouldn't matter if John and Rodney didn't make it back to Atlantis.

---

**Author's Note: **Yikes! Haven't updated this in a while, have I? Sorry about that! I'll try to update sooner this time! Hope you all are having/have had a happy holiday! Feedback is welcomed, and thanks again to fififolle for beta-ing!


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